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Just A Phoenix.. Rising from the flames of hell.The last year of my life was miserable.. filled with deceits & trials that nearly destroyed my faith. Then, the day came when I realized I had to choose... Am I victim or a survivor? I chose to be a survivor. That's why I'm still here. And rising above. |
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Migraines.. Part of college tuition should go toward buying Ibuprofen for the migraines.... Ah, well, it's the least of my worries. So what if sometimes my head feels like its going to implode? At least I'm still waking up every morning. And I'm working toward my degree every single day. So if the day ever comes when my life starts on another downhill slide that makes waking up in the morning seem regrettable, I can get the hell out of this life and start another one. A new life.. now, that sounds SWEET. I guess time will tell me how many of the people in my current life will be part of my new life. Sometimes you gotta take out the trash so it ain't stinking up your life. Trust - the most fragile substance.. We all know that diamonds are supposed to be the hardest substance known to man. Recently I've come to the conclusion that trust is the weakest.. at least when it is held in the hands of the person that gives it away. Trust can be really hard to break when it is trust that you have for someone else. Nothing that you personally do can break the trust you have for someone else. But if they're the one holding that trust, they can break it all too damned easily. Lie. Cheat. Steal. Betray. The ways to break your trust can't be counted. There's too many. But, would somebody please freaking tell me how to rebuild trust? Trust is Humpty Dumpty. Once its broke, putting it back together is too damned hard. Maybe not "too" hard.. but HARD. And it takes a really long time. Trust is a 5000 piece 3D puzzle. You can't put it back together in a single day if it gets knocked apart. Sometimes you can only put it together a piece at a time. No matter how much you want to be able to trust someone again after they've given you a solid reason NOT to. . It is just fucking impossible to just start trusting them all over again. It's an uphill journey, and sometimes you just don't want to take another single step. And it's tricky too. Sometimes, you think you've got it all reassembled.. and shit hits the fan, and you realize that its still fragile and at risk of tumbling off that damned wall again. Just like ol' Humpty. Damn. AND.. Love don't mean shit. Loving someone doesn't mean trusting them. You CAN love someone that you don't trust. And you can probably trust someone that you don't love. The moral? Even someone trusts you.. don't fuck it up. Don't break their trust in you. You don't have any idea how long it will take - or even if - for them to rebuild it. Like the old TootsiePop commercials.. how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center? How many days does it take to get to the trust that used to exist? As the old owl said.. Nobody knows. I know this much.. A LOT. Maybe someday I'll trust again. If I do, maybe I'll know how long it takes. Thank God forgiving doesn't take as long to give as renewed trust does. We'd be in a heap of shit then, huh? Song lyrics. . with meaning "You Can't Take Me" Got to fight another fight - I gotta run another night Get it out - check it out I'm on my way and I don't feel right I gotta get me back - I can't be beat and that's a fact It's OK - I'll find a way You ain't gonna take me down no way Don't judge a thing until you know what's inside it Dont' push me - I'll fight it Never gonna give in - never gonna give it up no If you can't catch a wave then your'e never gonna ride You can't come uninvited Never gonna give in - never gonna give up no You can't take me I'm free Why did it all go wrong? - I wanna know what's going on And what's this holding me? I'm not where I supposed to be I gotta fight another fight I gotta fight will all my might I'm getting out , so check it out Ya, you're in my way So you better watch out You Cant Take Me - Bryan Adams No Satisfaction? I can't get no satisfaction, I can't get no satisfaction. 'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try. I can't get no, I can't get no. ~ ~ First the Stones sang it... I can't get no satisfaction, I can't get no uh, satisfaction I can't get no uh, satisfaction I can't get no satisfaction And I try, and I try, and I try, and I try I just can't get no I can't get no, Satisfaction I can't get no, Satisfaction no matter what i do no matter what i say everywhere i go they say its not ok Then Miss Brittney sang it her way.. (messing with a classic, which is <ahem> classic bad taste). * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * And.. to it all, the Stones and Brittney too.. I say BULLSHIT.Satisfaction is a state of mind. It can be found in everyday, trivial little nothings. It can be reaped in great successes. It can be harvested from charity. It is in the details. It's in the big picture. Can't get no satisfaction? Then, open yur freakin' eyes and look closer. And don't bother the rest of us with your snot-faced whining. Geeez. My opinion -- People bawling about not being satisfied with their lives are probably bottom-heavy surface feeders. (Translation: SeDenTarY & LazY). If they'd move their asses and actually try.. ha! Amazing things could happen. We should all be able to admit to the little bits of satisfaction.. from finishing a sink full of dirty dishes.. finishing an assignment.. the first sip of hot, fresh coffee in the morning.. whatever.. Why the *@!?%? are so many people blinded to the fact that life is just choices? We can choose to be happy. We can choose to be satisfied. We can freaking choose... A messed up life... Why is it that the harder I try to formulate the way I want my life to be, the farther I seem to end up from that desired path? I can't remember a time in my life that I didn't try to live with a backward view. I try to imagine myself old, at the end of a long life (pretty conceited maybe, to assume that I'll survive the madness of this world when so many others die young.. ) Anyway.. I'm lying on my deathbed, an old, old wrinkled lady. Maybe I'm surrounded by my family, kids, grandkiddies, a passel of greats too. But there I am, knowing I've reached the end of my days; every chance I've ever been given, every choice I've ever made has passed whether I did the right thing or squandered it - pissed it away. ~ ~ ~ ~ Sorry for the crudity folks, but this is what I've become. I'll be sorry to see you go, REALLY - but if you're too deeply bothered or offended, please... leave now. Life's changed me. Made me into something different, darker, possibly more pessimistic than I've ever been. Taught me hard lessons and not without leaving dents and bruises behind in its frenzied wake. I don't have any looming evil within me that longs to strike damage onto my once-upon-a-time friends.. but I can't pretend to be what I have ceased to be either. So, forgive me. Or don't. Whatever. But, if what I've become offends or insults.. please, exercise your freedom of choice. Close the page, remove me from your list of friends.. whatever you need to do. By all means, protect yourself. ~ ~ ~ ~ Now.. where was I? Oh, yeah, on my deathbed, right? So, there I am; knowing that I've reached the end and that there will never be any chance to change anything about my life. Either I can be pleased - downright proud or minimally satisfied - or I can die in abject misery because I'm consumed with regrets. All in all, dying must suck.. but face it: dying filled with regrets has to blow so much worse. Who wants that? Ughh. Not a thought I care to entertain. That's why I've tried to live in a way that will spare me that despair. I mean, it's not a simple issue.. no matter what you think lies ahead after death. . (Yeah, I still believe Jesus is waiting.. that faith persists, it's my faith in life that's busted.) No matter where you're going, you're still leaving stuff behind.. Stuff, people, responsibilities, whatever. I mean, sheee-it. - - Half the time, I worry more about dying because of my dog than for any other reason. C'mon.. Seriously. My dog. The thought (leaving him) makes me sick. I don't want to leave him alone. Innately, I guess I just don't freakin' trust N-E-ONE to love him and take care of him (meaning baby, spoil, cuddle him) like I do. Besides, my kids that have two feet will at least understand. . they'll know why I am gone. Who can explain it to a dog? But, death.. back to that. Dying's gotta suck. But, I don't want the extra anguish of dying filled with regret. I've tried to live in a way that will prevent that. . actually asking myself what decision, action, whatever, I'm least likely to regret when I'm in that position (lying on my deathbed, remember?) But, here's some cold hard, nasty, down and dirty truth. I've failed. If I were to die right now.. not a bad idea except for the dog thing, ok? .. but right now, I couldn't do it without feeling miserable. Without all the damned regrets I"ve always tried to prevent plus a hundred more making it worse, worse, worse than I ever could have conjured in my most horrifying nightmare.  Regret. I guess it sucks worse than death. On the upside, regrets can be overcome. Actions can be taken to reverse regret. Guess that can't be said too often about cold, old, forever death.. . . (Yeah, yeah, figuratively speaking of course if you believe in immortatity through Christ. But, once this life is over, it is OVER. You might get to live again in Him, but He's not giving anyone any do-overs. One shot, all or nothing. Done.) Now, how's that for grim? Consider this: |
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