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A messed up life... Why is it that the harder I try to formulate the way I want my life to be, the farther I seem to end up from that desired path? I can't remember a time in my life that I didn't try to live with a backward view. I try to imagine myself old, at the end of a long life (pretty conceited maybe, to assume that I'll survive the madness of this world when so many others die young.. ) Anyway.. I'm lying on my deathbed, an old, old wrinkled lady. Maybe I'm surrounded by my family, kids, grandkiddies, a passel of greats too. But there I am, knowing I've reached the end of my days; every chance I've ever been given, every choice I've ever made has passed whether I did the right thing or squandered it - pissed it away. ~ ~ ~ ~ Sorry for the crudity folks, but this is what I've become. I'll be sorry to see you go, REALLY - but if you're too deeply bothered or offended, please... leave now. Life's changed me. Made me into something different, darker, possibly more pessimistic than I've ever been. Taught me hard lessons and not without leaving dents and bruises behind in its frenzied wake. I don't have any looming evil within me that longs to strike damage onto my once-upon-a-time friends.. but I can't pretend to be what I have ceased to be either. So, forgive me. Or don't. Whatever. But, if what I've become offends or insults.. please, exercise your freedom of choice. Close the page, remove me from your list of friends.. whatever you need to do. By all means, protect yourself. ~ ~ ~ ~ Now.. where was I? Oh, yeah, on my deathbed, right? So, there I am; knowing that I've reached the end and that there will never be any chance to change anything about my life. Either I can be pleased - downright proud or minimally satisfied - or I can die in abject misery because I'm consumed with regrets. All in all, dying must suck.. but face it: dying filled with regrets has to blow so much worse. Who wants that? Ughh. Not a thought I care to entertain. That's why I've tried to live in a way that will spare me that despair. I mean, it's not a simple issue.. no matter what you think lies ahead after death. . (Yeah, I still believe Jesus is waiting.. that faith persists, it's my faith in life that's busted.) No matter where you're going, you're still leaving stuff behind.. Stuff, people, responsibilities, whatever. I mean, sheee-it. - - Half the time, I worry more about dying because of my dog than for any other reason. C'mon.. Seriously. My dog. The thought (leaving him) makes me sick. I don't want to leave him alone. Innately, I guess I just don't freakin' trust N-E-ONE to love him and take care of him (meaning baby, spoil, cuddle him) like I do. Besides, my kids that have two feet will at least understand. . they'll know why I am gone. Who can explain it to a dog? But, death.. back to that. Dying's gotta suck. But, I don't want the extra anguish of dying filled with regret. I've tried to live in a way that will prevent that. . actually asking myself what decision, action, whatever, I'm least likely to regret when I'm in that position (lying on my deathbed, remember?) But, here's some cold hard, nasty, down and dirty truth. I've failed. If I were to die right now.. not a bad idea except for the dog thing, ok? .. but right now, I couldn't do it without feeling miserable. Without all the damned regrets I"ve always tried to prevent plus a hundred more making it worse, worse, worse than I ever could have conjured in my most horrifying nightmare.  Regret. I guess it sucks worse than death. On the upside, regrets can be overcome. Actions can be taken to reverse regret. Guess that can't be said too often about cold, old, forever death.. . . (Yeah, yeah, figuratively speaking of course if you believe in immortatity through Christ. But, once this life is over, it is OVER. You might get to live again in Him, but He's not giving anyone any do-overs. One shot, all or nothing. Done.) Now, how's that for grim? Consider this: TrackbacksWeblogs that reference this entry
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